I can apply it to varying degrees of success in different areas of my life. And as it would turn out, the area I want change the most is the one that seems to elude me the most – very frustrating.

So this quote from Abraham was just another reminder for me:

You’re always on your way somewhere. The key is: find a way to be happy wherever you now are on your way to where you really want to be. (We’re speaking of the state of being you want.) It does not matter where you are; where you are is shifting constantly – but you must turn your attention to where you want to go. And that’s the difference between making the best of something and making the worst of something.

— Abraham

For the last month (and for the next few) I’ve been thinking of the other children in my first mothers group who are all turning 10 this year. I haven’t seen any of them for at least the last 8 years, other than a few photos here and there on Facebook.

My first baby has been gone for almost 9 years and today I had it brought full front and centre when I took my son to our Osteopath – someone we haven’t seen for over 8 years. He treated Isabella for less than 6 weeks before she died and it was a shock for him almost as much as it was for us when she left and to see him again today just brought it all flooding back.

I remember when my husband and I first started attending the bereavement groups at the Children’s hospital, it was sad even then (in the early stages of our loss) to see parents still so overwhelmed by their grief after years. We didn’t attend the bereavement group sessions for very long because I didn’t want to fall deeper into the grief and become one of those parents, still crying after so many years. And yet here I am sitting on the couch now, crying, remembering Isabella and still wanting to know why.

On a conscious, logical level, I know that so many things have changed for the better in our lives – we have our beautiful little boy who was born at home and is thriving, we live in a beautiful home only three doors down from the beach, we’ve travelled and experienced some amazing places, and yet I still don’t understand why it needed to happen this way, why my child had to die.

“Because we know that life is eternal, and we know that there is no ending to that which you are about, if one of you is killed in an earthquake or crashes your plane, or any number of other very creative ways you have found to make your exit into the Non-Physical, because we know the whole picture, we grieve not a moment for any of you. But from your more shortsighted point of view in physical, a lot of you grieve tremendously.”

- Abraham

I want to be able to see the whole picture, so I can stop grieving/have a greater understanding and get back to living my life because today, I saw from an outsiders perspective, how low I have been for the past 9 years, despite all my elaborate diversions, none of which have been as effective as I would have liked.

I think it’s time for a big shake-up in my life.

Unlike other bloggers who seem to be able to maintain the discipline of writing articles (even multiple articles) every day, my writing seems to be much more sporadic – I prefer to write when the desire hits and something spurs me to share my opinions. Unfortunately more often than not, the inspiration passes by as I’m entertained by my little boy and his funny daily antics and the day is swallowed in what seems to be the blink of an eye.

I so much want to be the perfect mum – doesn’t every mum? I’m wondering though if this desire for (my idea of) perfection will be a lifelong pursuit, two steps forward, one step back?

In my mind, perfect looks like:

• Awake at whatever time I’m naturally awoken and feeling refreshed and ready to go after a full night’s sleep
• A healthy, happy family
• Healthy, nutritious and satisfying eating for all the family every single day
• A thirty minute walk everyday
• Playtime at the park out in the fresh air and sunshine
• Free time to hang out with my little boy and do as we please
• A two hour afternoon nap for my little boy so I can either write articles or create websites
• Daily meditation
• Strength and Interval training three times a week
• Two dedicated half days per week to work (although writing and creating websites doesn’t feel like work)
• Weekly massage
• Some quality time with my husband
• Living in my own beautiful home
• Successfully running my own business
• Everything under control and when it’s not, being able to “go with the flow”

This is my current aim point – a broad overview of what I’d like my life to be like – and on some days I can check off more boxes than others.

What I’m finding though, is that the days I try to push consciously to achieve as much as I can, I often feel great frustration regardless of how much I achieve – the “To Do’s” ticked off are never enough. Whereas on the days where I resign myself to just “going with the flow”, I feel happy and content regardless of how much or how little I have achieved in that day.

I much prefer that happy and content person than the frustrated, grumpy one (& I know my husband definitely prefers the happy content me) so perhaps it’s time to let go of what I think other people think I should be doing (yes I really do care too much about what others think of me) and do what fills me with joy and let that joy ripple out to those around me.

I’d really like to hear how you balance being a Mum and being just you – sharing of hints and tips is always greatly appreciated

Life is a journey, appreciate each day of that journey

Strange question I know – but something I’m asking myself today.

My little boy Daniel is celebrating his first birthday this Friday – an exciting time for any parent, a particularly happy occasion for us, given our history.

Let me explain – in a nutshell (I’ll save the full story for another day), my daughter Isabella became unwell when she was six months old and after 7 1/2 months of tough times, she passed away unexpectedly when she was 13 1/2 months old.

Isabella’s first birthday party was just with her little friends from the mothers group – none of us knew she was going to leave so soon – it was a shock (that’s an understatement) when she died. We didn’t invite any extended family to her party because we felt separate, misunderstood and unsupported by some of our family members during the period of time when Isabella was unwell.

After Isabella died, the majority of our family members who lived in Australia attended her funeral – it was a big turnout, perhaps because it was so unexpected and the death of a child is always shocking.

So in my mind, after 6 years without our daughter, Daniel’s first birthday is especially important to me & I’ve realised that it isn’t this way for everyone.

I’m writing this because I’m a little hurt – this is my way of working through some of those feelings. I would like to understand why in our culture (I have an ethnic background) it’s the done thing to attend a funeral – it’s the last big “hurrah”, but birthdays are “aplenty” and so if you miss one, there is always another to go to.

I appreciate paying respects to the family members left behind and honouring the person that has passed, and I’m extremely grateful still to this day, to all the people that came to Isabella’s funeral and supported us for differing periods of time after she left. What I don’t understand is why a birthday isn’t given the same level of importance as a funeral. It really speaks to something deeper – that in general, we take our everyday lives for granted – a day is just a day, we have plenty of them still to come. In truth though, no-one knows how long they have on this earth. Perhaps people attend funeral to try and assuage some of the guilt they feel for not having spent more time with the deceased person. Well let me tell you something – by the time the funeral comes around it’s too late – spend time with the person while they are still alive.

I’ll never have that “new-parent naivete” again so even though I’m the first to admit I’m not the perfect Mum with Daniel (especially on the days that sleep is in short supply), I do my absolute best and I’m grateful for every moment I have with Daniel and I pray every night that he will live a long and healthy life.

That’s my 2 cents for today.