Admittedly, I think that word expert gets used a little too often and it does bring up strong emotions for me too. The Oxford dictionary gives the definition of expert as: “a person who is very knowledgeable about or skilful in a particular area” originating from the Latin word expiriri meaning “to try, test, experience or prove”.

When you look at the word “expert” in that light, it perhaps lessens the emotive sting of the word and allows you to better decide whether the person you are seeking advice from is actually an expert.

In the broad sense of being a parent or more specifically a mother, any parent can be considered an expert in bringing up children because they have experienced it. In a more specific sense, no other parent can provide expert advice in the upbringing of your child, because no other person has experienced the unique combination of you and the interaction you have with your child in your environment. Another parent can only ever provide examples of what they did and what results they achieved. It’s up to you then to decide if that course of action suits you and your child for the desired outcome. Having said that, because of the uniqueness of you and your child, there is no guarantee you will get the same outcome.

Where to get parenting advice

Have you ever ventured into a bookstore and seen the overflowing shelves full of parenting books? A search for Parenting books on Amazon returns an enormous 61,815 results. And Google provides a staggering 210, 000,000 search results for the term parenting (as at Sept 20th 2011). Is it any wonder that parents are so confused about the “right” way to raise their child and that discussions on Facebook about expert status can cause emotional comments?

What I’ve noticed is that I tend to gravitate towards people whose ideas resonate with my beliefs – which effectively reinforces my beliefs. It takes something really drastic to alter my beliefs in a particular area. I imagine that this is similar for other people.

With my first child, I purchased and followed the advice given in the popular parenting books – that’s what everyone was doing and I thought that was the way I needed to do it too. I wanted to do the best for my new baby (as every parent does) and so when these “experts” advised:

• Regular invasive testing during pregnancy,
• Pain relief given during birth doesn’t affect the baby,
• Breastfeeding at 4 hourly intervals,
• Not breastfeeding your baby to sleep because it will form bad habits,
• Putting your baby to sleep in it’s own bedroom in it’s own cot,
• Controlled crying to teach your baby to self soothe,
• Vaccinating your child according to the advised schedule,

to name a few, I followed blindly and without question. My reasoning was, why would there be any need to question this advice – after all it was written in a book or it was provided by a doctor and so it must be true. Have you ever wondered how books are chosen to be featured in book stores, why one book is chosen and not another? Perhaps those with the biggest marketing budgets get prominent placement and they have the biggest marketing budgets because they adhere to the mainstream way of thinking – no rocking the boat – just my thoughts.

It wasn’t until after things started going wrong for us that I started to question the “experts” – and let me tell you, experts (particularly doctors) don’t like to be questioned.

How to determine if someone is an “expert’

An interesting question to ask of an expert is “WHY?” they are recommending things be done in a certain way. Asking “why” helps you to ascertain what their underlying reasoning and motivation is for providing that advice. When I started reading more and delving deeper, I discovered often times mainstream advice is given with the reasoning of “that’s just the way we do it”  and that there were alternate points of view to those of the mainstream experts and those alternate views often (but not always) provide a better, safer, more loving option to parenting than the socially accepted options.

With my second child I have chosen a very different path – the word to focus on there is “chosen” – I think there are a number of parents who don’t actively choose a path to follow, they just fall into it by default and accept what they are told as being the gospel truth, without doing any further research of their own. And it’s not until something goes wrong that they might question why.

My response to the conversation of Facebook was that I thought parents needed a framework to function within – not just more advice. A framework could for example consist of questions to ask, the answers to which would then allow parents to make the best decision for their family based on their individual circumstances.

One final note – there are people that have ideas that resonate with my beliefs and I like to read what they have to say and implement those ideas where suitable. I also realise that they are human and don’t know everything and that down the track they may discover more information that could alter their existing recommendations – I’m ok with that and I take full responsibility for any of the actions I choose to implement.

In reality, I think that parenting is just one giant experiment and all parents hope that their way of parenting will result in happy, healthy children. So I’m going to focus on all the things I want for my child and have faith that by focusing on what I want (rather than on what I don’t want), the best options and information will be presented to me to implement in my family.

The only sane reasoning I can see for making such a decision is based on recent (last 10 years) happenings and how they have impacted the way I look at life.

A long time ago I had a little baby. When she was only 6 months old she suddenly and unexpectedly became unwell. The next 7 months of her life and her subsequent sudden and unexpected death destroyed my faith in the medical profession forever. It also permanently altered  my belief in all things mainstream. I am now skeptical about doing anything that is advocated as the “normal” way to do it. I also question when I hear such things as “but that’s how everyone does it”. Just because everyone does it a particular way, doesn’t automatically mean it’s right.

This way of thinking led to my next child being born at home with a midwife as our birth attendant rather than a doctor, no vaccinations, and a homeopath as our first port of call when somebody in the family is unwell.

My little boy, who is almost 3 is active, boisterous, strong-willed and very friendly with everyone he meets (he says hello to every person we pass when we go for walks on the beach). And my husband and I have decided that we are going to homeschool him.

We decided years ago that we liked the idea of homeschooling – after a trip to Europe – the idea of travelling and learning about the world first hand seemed so natural and fun – why be subjected to sitting in a classroom for 12 years just because that’s the way it’s “supposed” to be done.

In years gone by, children were tutored at home either by themselves or with siblings or neighbours. It seems unnatural to divide children into classes based on their age because children learn at different speeds and are drawn to different subjects.

Sitting children in a classroom for 30+ weeks a year for 12 years indoctrinates them to be the ideal candidate for a world where you go to a job Monday to Friday and think that is normal. 12 years at school, 4-6 years at University, 40 years in a job, when does that leave you with time to actually live your life and enjoy it?

That’s not the kind of life I want for my child. I want my little boy to continue to embrace life with all the enthusiasm he has shown so far.

So in keeping with my penchant for alternatives, I’m really interested in un-schooling – although I’d prefer to use a term such as “child-led learning” and I just discovered this great site about un-schooling at “Why Unschool“, written by two people who were unschooled themselves.

But if you want something really eye-opening, then here is a great video to leave you with a different perspective to schooling:

When I studied for my Master qualifications in Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) some years back, I considered myself the queen of the reframe. Reframing simply means looking at a situation and seeing alternate meanings to the events, just like when you put a different frame around a painting or picture, it can give the picture a whole different look.

Now I’m trying to use that reframing on myself and a situation that has arisen - today I received a call from the group leader of a playgroup I attended with Daniel 2 days ago, telling me that two of the mums in the group (who wanted to remain anonymous) had contacted her to express their concern over my childs’ behaviour with their children.

I don’t want to be one of these parents who, when told about some misdeed of their child, proclaim it couldn’t possibly have been their child because he/she is an angel at home. I could see that Daniel was being very forceful in his behaviour with the other children, trying to grab toys back when they came up to him to grab the toys he had, I saw him hit a couple of times because toys that he was playing with were being moved, not sure if there were other things, because the parents in question on the day didn’t actually speak to me then and there. Each time he did something that I saw, I got up and moved him out of the situation, to the point where I sat on the floor with him in an attempt to divert his attention to something more productive.

I don’t like it when I see Daniel behaving that way, but short of smacking him (which I don’t like at all) I’m not quite sure how to temper this behaviour in him. There are a number of things that have happened with Daniel over the 3 years of his life that I would have liked to be different (his eczema, being picky with his eating), but they are as they are and please tell me of a parent that has a perfect child that does everything the parent wishes & I’ll go and get some coaching from them to see what I can do better.

So I see two issues in this situation:

1. As a parent, do you speak up at the time an issue is occurring?
2. How do you manage your childs’ behaviour?

Parents speaking up

I’m upset that the parents in question didn’t come and say something to me at the time the “incident” happened. To me that is a little cowardly, because I can’t do anything about it after the fact (today for instance) – a discussion with a child about their behaviour needs to happen right when it’s happened – they don’t understand about past events – they are live in the now creatures (unlike us adults).

Basically, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Children with different temperaments behave differently

My understanding is that toddlers don’t like to share and shouldn’t be forced to because it can make them feel that others needs are more important than their own. Why do we then insist that children be put into situations where they have to share and then we get upset if they don’t do it well? Sharing will be learnt naturally as a child gets older, no need to force the situation. (And show me an adult that is happy about sharing their favourite possessions).

My child is amazingly polite and conversational with adults and older children – he says please and thankyou without being prompted or forced, he says hello to people when we are out and about and asks what their name is and tells them his name and how old he is and then proceeds to have a conversation with them, telling them what he is doing at the time – I haven’t seen any other child his age behave in this way in any group we’ve attended.

There are certain traits and behaviours I want to encourage in Daniel that will serve him well in his adult years. I want him to be self sufficient, so I provide all I can for him now during his early development years so he knows he has a safe base to come back to and then he can develop that trait in his own good time. I didn’t want to force him to be self sufficient before his time (as is advocated by some parenting experts) because I think this causes behavioural issues in later years from not having a safe supportive environment in early years.

I want him to be a free thinker, look outside the box, go after what he wants, be a trailblazer and hold his boundaries. I see him do things now that as a child, I don’t know that in my upbringing I would have been allowed to do that or say that, yet as an adult it would be something to be admired or coveted. I don’t want to stifle who he is and make him feel wrong. Do children that sit meekly and quietly become those trailblazers? In all honesty I can’t answer that question. But here is a question to ask yourself, does suppression of natural toddler behaviours now cause greater behavioural issues in later years that then require people to get some sort of psychological guidance?

Perhaps my childhood experiences of being teased at school has energetically impacted on Daniel such that he is going to be the opposite and not be a victim (and then passive aggressive like I know I can be with underhanded, snarky comments – all in an effort to protect myself from being hurt). Or maybe just as adults in social situations either get along with someone or feel a strong repulsion to them right from the first meeting, maybe children are like this too and Daniel is just picking up a vibe of suppression and political correctness in the room of children and mums that sets him off.

What do I do now?

Behaviour is so complex and impacted by so many different variables and now I need to decide whether to continue to go to a group where I’m not completely welcome (either through my opinions or my child’s’ behaviour) or just withdraw and continue on our way (just like I would put a delicate ornament out of the way of a baby/toddler/child to avoid the possibility of it being broken).

What do you think?

Unlike other bloggers who seem to be able to maintain the discipline of writing articles (even multiple articles) every day, my writing seems to be much more sporadic – I prefer to write when the desire hits and something spurs me to share my opinions. Unfortunately more often than not, the inspiration passes by as I’m entertained by my little boy and his funny daily antics and the day is swallowed in what seems to be the blink of an eye.

I so much want to be the perfect mum – doesn’t every mum? I’m wondering though if this desire for (my idea of) perfection will be a lifelong pursuit, two steps forward, one step back?

In my mind, perfect looks like:

• Awake at whatever time I’m naturally awoken and feeling refreshed and ready to go after a full night’s sleep
• A healthy, happy family
• Healthy, nutritious and satisfying eating for all the family every single day
• A thirty minute walk everyday
• Playtime at the park out in the fresh air and sunshine
• Free time to hang out with my little boy and do as we please
• A two hour afternoon nap for my little boy so I can either write articles or create websites
• Daily meditation
• Strength and Interval training three times a week
• Two dedicated half days per week to work (although writing and creating websites doesn’t feel like work)
• Weekly massage
• Some quality time with my husband
• Living in my own beautiful home
• Successfully running my own business
• Everything under control and when it’s not, being able to “go with the flow”

This is my current aim point – a broad overview of what I’d like my life to be like – and on some days I can check off more boxes than others.

What I’m finding though, is that the days I try to push consciously to achieve as much as I can, I often feel great frustration regardless of how much I achieve – the “To Do’s” ticked off are never enough. Whereas on the days where I resign myself to just “going with the flow”, I feel happy and content regardless of how much or how little I have achieved in that day.

I much prefer that happy and content person than the frustrated, grumpy one (& I know my husband definitely prefers the happy content me) so perhaps it’s time to let go of what I think other people think I should be doing (yes I really do care too much about what others think of me) and do what fills me with joy and let that joy ripple out to those around me.

I’d really like to hear how you balance being a Mum and being just you – sharing of hints and tips is always greatly appreciated

Children need to spend lots of time with their Dad's too

In my last post on “Housewife Superstars” I shared my beliefs about mums being at home with their children – I am aware that not all share this belief – each to his (or her) own – whatever works for you. This is simply my belief based on what I have experienced in my life.

I also commented that I thought that dads should be at home too and today I came across an article called “What About Dad’s?” that discussed the role that dads play in their childrens’ lives.

What memories do you have of your Dad when you were growing up?

When I was a baby, my Dad was working full time during the day, and studying at night. My Mum has told me that when Dad was studying, he’d have the door shut to the room where he was studying in the evening & I would sit or lie next to the door because I wanted to be with him. I don’t consciously remember this, but there must be some unconscious memory of it and a belief about what it meant to me because the tears are welling up as I write this. As I think about how my relationship has been with my Dad over the years, there has been a constant yearning for approval from him that perhaps stems from him not spending as much time with me as I would have liked. As an adult, I know that he was doing the best that he knew how.

Now that I have my own children and I’m experiencing being a parent first hand, it seems sad that traditional parental/gender roles dictate that the father/husband leaves the house to go to work for in excess of 40 hours per week to support the family, and to add insult to injury, he misses out on spending precious time with this family he is supporting.

I see the struggle my husband has between this need to create an income for us to live and the desire to stay at home with our little boy (who just turned one and is an absolute treasure). It’s not that we don’t have the tools available to us to be able to create an income stream working from home – we have multiple opportunities available to us, I think it’s more that he doesn’t (& maybe I don’t either) fully believe that this is actually possible. There certainly aren’t any men in our immediate circle friends that have this lifestyle that we could model. So now we are keeping our eyes and ears open for families where the dad does “work from home” and has ample time to spend with his children. We are looking for some inspiration and in return, we would like to be the inspiration for others who think this way of life would suit them too.

I know this isn’t for everyone – there are jobs that require a persons’ physical presence away from home – all I’m saying is that if this is you and you want something different, perhaps it doesn’t need to be for the full-time work week – it’s time to start thinking outside the box and really take responsibility for your own life and create it the way you want it. And if your first reaction is “but this is the way I want it” – that’s fine, but before you dismiss the idea outright, probe a little deeper, it could be that you’ve convinced yourself you want it that way because you haven’t ever thought it could be different.

Imagine how amazing this would be for children to have both parents at home with them – little children love being with their parents – they thrive from the attention they receive from their parents. Imagine how great it would be to share the care and upbringing and all the amazing milestones with your partner. You would both be there to see the “firsts” and if you weren’t it would be because you consciously chose to be elsewhere (maybe having a much needed massage or exercise session) and not because you felt you had to be at work. There would be no crying when little children are dropped off in the early hours of the morning at daycare, no crying when daddy (or mommy) leaves home in the morning to go to work, not to be seen again until late in the evening, parent tired and stressed from a day at work, needing his/her own space for some mental downtime – a child doesn’t understand this, all they see is that their Dad (or Mum) doesn’t want to spend time with them.

I find it strange that if the years of 0-7 (the imprint period) in a childs’ life are the ones where they are “sucking” in all their experiences like a sponge, why are they left to be cared for by strangers at a daycare centre (in the case of both parents working) or missing out on the input from one parent (in the case of one parent working and one staying at home)? Shouldn’t it be the parents having the greatest influence over their children?

Currently my husband works from home one day a week and I see how much our little boy Daniel loves spending time with Warren on the days that he his home. On the days that it’s just Daniel and me, we have a great time together and he adapts to his environment – that’s the great thing about kids, in the early years they just accept it, but that doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t be thinking about how this may impact them in the future.

In my ideal world, Warren and I would both be at home with Daniel (or travelling or wherever, just all together), spending time with each other, teaching Daniel about the world and creating the income to support our desired lifestyle. Having said that, I am still happy to be in charge of doing most of the cooking and half of the cleaning and I would still like Warren to be in charge of the “heavy lifting” types of jobs around the home, but as for “having” to go to work in a job, I think we’ll be finding other ways of earning money.

What is your ideal family/working/home situation? If you could truly have it any way you wanted it, how would it be for you?

I’d really love to hear your thoughts.

For a while now I’ve been wondering where I fit in the whole hierarchy of womanhood/motherhood. I’m not your traditional “Stay at Home Mum” or “Housewife” like my mum was (dinner isn’t on the table at 6pm and Daniel isn’t bathed and ready for bed when Warren comes home). I also don’t have what you would call a career either – the thought of working for someone else has never really been my cup of tea (and my favourite cup of tea is Twinings Earl Grey).

Instead, I’m a wife and a mother, I own D-Zyne Solutions with my husband Warren, I create websites, dabble in share trading and I have my own Neways distributorship. This is what I term a “New-Age Retro Mum” (hence the title of this blog) because I strongly believe that a mothers’ role is to stay at home and raise her children (I also think dads should stay at home too, but that’s a whole article in itself) and maintain a sense of her own identity through whatever means she prefers.

I feel sad for the women who feel they have to go back to work once their 12 months of maternity leave is finished. In the 60 minutes article, I think the percentage quoted was something like 75% of mums who were working would rather stay at home and be a housewife if they could.

Of course no article about traditional gender roles would be complete without an interview with Germaine Greer – it was interesting to hear that she doesn’t agree with a woman’s perception that she needs to be able to do it all – be a great mum and have a career. Her view was more about independence and being true to yourself (well that’s what I took from it anyway).

I wonder where this premise of being the perfect woman (domestic goddess and career woman) came from? I know in my home, Warren (my husband) has told me countless times that all he wants is for me to be happy and then he is happy. If that means making him breakfast, lunches and dinners then great, if not, then he’ll make his own breakfast, sometimes lunch and we’ll work out what we do for dinner when the time comes. To me that seems overly simplistic – perhaps men don’t have as high expectations of us as we have of ourselves and our lives.

I was about to write that for me, it’s not enough to be a wife and a mother – I need something more than that – but why would I say that? In fact, I feel almost guilty saying that because I feel that someone reading this might take it to mean that I’m not happy being a wife and a mother. It’s not that at all – I love having a partner to share my life with and I am in awe of my little boy – the amazing growth that has taken place in the last 12 months since he joined us. What it is, is that I have other interests that drive me in addition to my family and I want to be able to pursue those as well. This is where it can be frustrating at times though – I want to provide an environment for Daniel where he can truly fulfil his potential (and I believe the best people for him to do that with are his parents) and I also want to put time into my projects too – it’s all about finding the right balance. And right now that balance would be better achieved if Warren was a stay at home dad and we both shared our time between caring for Daniel and creating income to support our family.

Have we perhaps come full circle and just as in fashion, the retro notion of being a housewife is in vogue again but with a modern twist? Just like in fashion though, I think it’s time to take the bits that work best for you and toss out the rest.

What do you think? Are you a stay at home mum longing for more, or perhaps a career woman wishing she was at home with her children? What works best for you?